On Sunday, as soon as I was ready to walk out the door for Church, something happened at my house that deeply hurt me. By the time I got to church, I knew that I had a heart condition that needed addressing. I realized that I was beginning to harbor resentment, anger and bitterness. I was mourned by the sin in my heart and tried to let go but it just wasn't going anywhere. I felt like a complete failure with my family. That no matter how hard I try to do the right thing and be the Wife and Mother God has called me to be they just don't get it. Weariness was setting in.
Thank the Lord that he has placed people in my life to speak truth to me, to help me to see things in a different perspective, who love ME unconditionally. As the words of a dear friend were replaying in my thoughts last night and again this morning, I began to think....It's real easy to love those people in my life who are lovable but what about those people that press every button I have? Do I love them freely? What about those people who completely disrespect me, in fact I don't even think they like me, they only like what I can do for them? Are they easy to love? What about the one person in my life who I should be one with, that I should love and bond with but I really don't even understand him and he doesn't understand me. Is he easy to love? For me the answer is; no these people are not easy for me to love.
In all honesty I don't know how to love these people. I don't know how to love someone who in my opinion doesn't really desire to be loved and therefore why should I love them. When that thought came to me, immediately God spoke and said...Amy, what if I would have loved you conditionally, what if I would have given you the love you desired and deserved? Where do you think you would be right now? My heart was grieved by this.
I sit back and I wonder how I allowed this to happen. How did I allow my heart to get in this condition? I'm not sure I even love myself. Do I even understand God's love for me? I just don't know right now. I don't have the answers to all this. All I know is God is trying to teach me something, he's trying to mold me into someone that I don't completely understand but I have to trust him in this. I don't know what God is preparing me for, but I have to believe that he is preparing me for something down the road and I have to submit and be willing to listen to him and obey him. My focus for now is going to be on learning what love really is, learning how to love myself, how to receive love and how to love like God, how to love the unlovable. This is not something I'm asking you to do; I just felt the need to express to you all where I am right now. Maybe you need to examine your heart and pray about this also but if not and you have it all together in this area, please pray for me because I really don't.
Please remember to keep praying through our prayer list. I can't even begin to tell you how burdened my heart is for praying for our Pastor and Beverly. They need to be loved, encouraged and prayed for daily. No matter what is going on in your life, it is important to shower them in our prayers.
1 John 4:8
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love
Romans 5:8
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us.
John 14:23
Jesus answered him, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."
1 John 4:16
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
Luke 6:27
"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
1 John 4:7-11
Matthew 5:43-48
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